Re-vision: the last chance to make it glow
У статті розглянуто прийоми редагування текстів, писаних англійською, задля покращання професійної комунікації у глобальному контексті за допомогою цієї мови. Увагу зосереджено на універсальних аспектах англомовного редагування, релевантних як для носіїв англійської, так і для тих, для кого вона не...
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irk-123456789-378442013-03-11T14:24:25Z Re-vision: the last chance to make it glow Darian, S. Ilchenko, O. У статті розглянуто прийоми редагування текстів, писаних англійською, задля покращання професійної комунікації у глобальному контексті за допомогою цієї мови. Увагу зосереджено на універсальних аспектах англомовного редагування, релевантних як для носіїв англійської, так і для тих, для кого вона не є рідною мовою, а саме: перефразування, скорочення, переміщення, а також ланцюжки еквівалентів, колокації, структурація за допомогою заголовків. Розглянутий матеріал рясно ілюстрований відповідними прикладами. В статье рассмотрены приемы редактирования англоязычных текстов с целью повышения эффективности профессиональной коммуникации на английском языке в глобальном контексте. Особое внимание уделяется универсальным аспектам англоязычного редактирования, релевантных как для носителей английского языка, так и для тех, для кого этот язык не является родным. Рассмотрены приемы перефразирования, сокращения, перемещения, а также цепочки эквивалентов, коллокации, структурирование при помощи заголовков. Материал статьи хорошо иллюстрирован соответствующими примерами. This paper presents the editing techniques that make professional writing more effective to help people develop their ability to communicate clearly and persuasively in English in its global context. It focuses specifically on those universal writing techniques that help the writers connect with other people whose first language may or may not be English. These include: paraphrasing, reduction and deletion, relocation, equivalency chains, collocations,and headings. The material is amply illustrated with relevant examples. 2011 Article Re-vision: the last chance to make it glow / S. Darian, O. Ilchenko // Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи. — К.: Логос, 2011. — С. 28-39. — Бібліогр.: 18 назв. — англ. ХХХХ-0006 http://dspace.nbuv.gov.ua/handle/123456789/37844 uk Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи Центр наукових досліджень та викладання іноземних мов НАН України |
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У статті розглянуто прийоми редагування текстів, писаних англійською, задля покращання професійної комунікації у глобальному контексті за допомогою цієї мови. Увагу зосереджено на універсальних аспектах англомовного редагування, релевантних як для носіїв англійської, так і для тих, для кого вона не є рідною мовою, а саме: перефразування, скорочення, переміщення, а також ланцюжки еквівалентів, колокації, структурація за допомогою заголовків. Розглянутий матеріал рясно ілюстрований відповідними прикладами. |
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Darian, S. Ilchenko, O. |
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Darian, S. Ilchenko, O. Re-vision: the last chance to make it glow Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи |
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Darian, S. Ilchenko, O. |
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Re-vision: the last chance to make it glow |
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Центр наукових досліджень та викладання іноземних мов НАН України |
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2011 |
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Re-vision: the last chance to make it glow / S. Darian, O. Ilchenko // Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи. — К.: Логос, 2011. — С. 28-39. — Бібліогр.: 18 назв. — англ. |
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Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи
28
Steven Darian, PhD, prof., Olga Ilchenko, PhD, prof.
RE-VISION: THE LAST CHANCE TO MAKE IT GLOW
У статті розглянуто прийоми редагування текстів, писаних англійською, задля
покращання професійної комунікації у глобальному контексті за допомогою цієї мови.
Увагу зосереджено на універсальних аспектах англомовного редагування, релевантних
як для носіїв англійської, так і для тих, для кого вона не є рідною мовою, а саме:
перефразування, скорочення, переміщення, а також ланцюжки еквівалентів, колокації,
структурація за допомогою заголовків. Розглянутий матеріал рясно ілюстрований
відповідними прикладами.
Ключові слова: прийоми редагування, перефразування, скорочення, переміщення,
ланцюжки еквівалентів, колокації, заголовки
В статье рассмотрены приемы редактирования англоязычных текстов с целью
повышения эффективности профессиональной коммуникации на английском языке в
глобальном контексте. Особое внимание уделяется универсальным аспектам
англоязычного редактирования, релевантных как для носителей английского языка, так
и для тех, для кого этот язык не является родным. Рассмотрены приемы
перефразирования, сокращения, перемещения, а также цепочки эквивалентов,
коллокации, структурирование при помощи заголовков. Материал статьи хорошо
иллюстрирован соответствующими примерами.
Ключевые слова: приемы редактирования, перефразирование, сокращение,
перемещение, цепочки эквивалентов, коллокации, заголовки
This paper presents the editing techniques that make professional writing more effective to
help people develop their ability to communicate clearly and persuasively in English in its
global context. It focuses specifically on those universal writing techniques that help the
writers connect with other people whose first language may or may not be English. These
include: paraphrasing, reduction and deletion, relocation, equivalency chains, collocations,
and headings. The material is amply illustrated with relevant examples.
Key words: editing techniques, paraphrasing, reduction and deletion, relocation,
equivalency chains, collocations, headings
Is there time for vision and revision?
T.S. Eliot
Revising and editing are traditionally defined as the process of preparing
written and/or visual material through a complex procedure involving the
correction of punctuation, spelling, grammar, word usage mistakes, as well as
editing jobs because many people with the appropriate training and talent are
attracted to the occupation [18]. Sure, if editing is in decline that’s bad for
literature [8]. As Blake Morrison once put it, answering the question
© Steven Darian, Olga Ilchenko 2011
Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи
29
“But can you really teach creative writing?”, “…certain skills can be passed on.
But maybe it’s the wrong question. Better to ask: “Can you teach would-be
writers to edit?” Yes, absolutely, yes. Give the reader more signposts… Don’t
parade your research, integrate it. Show, don't tell.” [13].
Preparation and editing of reports and proposals, manuals, journal articles
and other written documents – for science and technology, medicine,
engineering, and business is inevitable part of every professional’s activity –be it
a scientist who wants to submit a research to an international journal, or a
business person who is sending a proposal to another company or country.
Almost any document could be made more powerful, more persuasive, more
interesting – and, as the final test – more successful. Is this process culture-
flavored? Yes. In fact, there is a specialization in the field, called localizing, that
adapts written material (manuals, proposals, etc.) to the audience that will be
using the information. On the other hand, we are facing “globalizing”
phenomenon [7; 10; 12]. Creating “successfully translatable material” [15] is the
key – “a clearly written text is a joy to translate” [11]. And the editor’s task is to
learn how to understand written language, and how to cooperate with written
texts [16; 17].
One of the chief ways we learn to write is from reading. If we want to
write short stories, we should read short stories. If we want to write proposals,
we should read proposals. The one thing reading doesn’t teach – and it’s one
of the most important things – is revising: we see only the finished product.
The finished document is like any other finished product: it goes through a lot
of changes before it reaches the consumer, who in our case is the reader.
Think of the first draft of any writing – as raw material from the mine (i.e., the
mind). The first great effort is getting it out of the mine of the mind, and onto
the screen, or on to paper. Then we start to polish. Revising is another word
for polishing. Revising – if we split the word into its two parts (re-vision)
means – looking at something again; in this case, at our written documents.
The question is: what are we looking for? The answer is: clarity,
understanding, remembering, persuasion.
There’s a wagonload of things to look for when revising. The number
depends on how much time we have for the job, how important the document
is, and how much we know about the process. Also, there’s often more than
one person working on the project. There are probably as many systems for
revising as there are islands in the South Pacific. The thing to do is develop
one’s own system(s) for revising, and stick to it – which also means refining it
as we learn more about the process. What we’ll now be looking at are simply a
few suggestions on building such system, and a few specific tools for revising.
They include, but are not limited to:
Paraphrase
Reduction and Deletion
Relocation
Equivalency Chains
Collocations
Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи
30
Headings
One approach is: deciding on a few big questions. Some answers, of
course, work for more than one question.
Big Question 1: How Well Did I Get the Message Across?
The main theme of a document should be repeated – either verbatim (i.e.,
exactly) or paraphrased – throughout the document. Decide what other things
are important – facts, arguments, actions. Emphasize them – in all the different
ways. We can emphasize things in lots of ways – verbal, graphic, typographic.
By emphasizing information, we’re telling the reader what’s most important in
the material, without them having to wade through each page to figure it out. It
says: “Pay attention to this. And remember it!” In speaking, of course, we use
intonation and gesture to emphasize information. There are lots of words and
phrases that show up in speech but not in writing. Using them in written reports
adds to the conversational tone of the document and makes the job easier for the
reader as well. A little technique, that’s a special form of emphasizer, is worth
keeping in mind. Basically, we’re trying to double-guess the reader, about
something that could be troubling them. It speaks to the old sales suggestion of
anticipating possible objections, and meeting them even before they arise. To
this end, it’s worth using such phrases as these:
Perhaps you’re wondering…
You may be asking yourself…
Mild imperatives are another way of calling the reader’s attention to the
information. Some examples:
Look at it from another point of view.
Think about the various combinations
After you’ve looked at everything else, consider this option.
Rhetorical questions – a feature of spoken language – work very well in
writing. They not only add to the conversational tone but get the reader more
involved in the material; they make the reader think! Questions invite answers. And
even though a rhetorical question may be answered by the writer, it makes the
reader curious about the answer (and more attentive). Things like:
What are the implications of a fact like this? For one thing...
Can you really afford numbers like this? Not if you want to...
They were sure to win…or were they?
Another way of emphasizing material is to state the
information, then paraphrase it immediately after. In which case we
might want to use the marker like the following, to indicate the
paraphrase:
What I mean is... / What I’m suggesting is..
In other words... /putting it another way
To be more exact, /more specifically, /more precisely/ more
properly
Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи
31
i.e.,
That is (to say) ...
Again, …
Or rather/or better
Simply put/said/stated,
Paraphrase is a very powerful and versatile tool – for speaking and
listening, reading and writing. In listening, it’s called reflecting back (a basic
technique in interviewing): reflecting back in different words what the speaker
said. It tells them you’re listening and that you understand what they’re saying.
In speaking, it helps your listener understand much better what you are saying. It
serves the same purpose on the printed page. When information is difficult or
complex, consider paraphrasing it. As we’ve seen, paraphrase is also useful for
defining. A few diverse examples:
Good governance in a country requires transparency; meaning having clear
laws and financial records that are easy to understand.
Packaging and advertising have shorter life cycle in China than in other
countries. What I’m saying is: If you want to attract the Chinese consumer,
you need to change your packaging and advertising fairly often.
Logistics – or ways of delivering goods – can contribute as much as
30-40% to the cost of a product.
A typical example of paraphrasing is restating information by replacing the
overused word or phrase. In the following example, paraphrasing the word
involve(s) goes way beyond its dictionary synonymy, implying a wider
context:
(1) A major fact of corporate life is that problems often involve several
departments or specializations or both. (2) For this reason, the heart of the
report – the tough analysis and recommended solutions – involves requires
a group or team effort. (3) This is almost inevitable, given all the research
involved that goes into a report and all the areas that can be affected by it.
[(4) If the problem involves falls within only the department, the team only
needs to include department members. (5) If it also involves affects a
division, it should draw members from both levels.
Another case of restating is avoiding nominalizations. Nominalization is
a fancy term for a process that happens all too often in writings: using formal
sounding noun phrases instead of simpler verbs (verbs move, they grab the reader).
Notice the following examples of nominalization and their rewrites:
ORIGINAL: Failure to include the information will result in the claim
not being traced.
REWRITE: If you fail to include the information, we can’t trace the claim.
ORIGINAL: The scope of the transaction is dependent on the finalization
Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи
32
of the suggested changes in depreciation methods.
REWRITE: The scope of the transaction depends on the finalizing
the suggested changes in depreciation methods.
ORIGINAL: I managed a project in West Virginia, which focused on
productivity improvement through the prioritization of service
delivery.
REWRITE: I managed a project in West Virginia, which focused on
improving productivity through prioritizing service delivery.
When it comes to paraphrasing, avoiding passive voice is another good
idea. In the active voice, the subject is the actor – the subject is doing something.
In the passive, something is being done to the actor, or there may be no actor at
all. Notice the examples:
PASSIVE: The offer was seriously considered by the Executive Committee.
ACTIVE: The Executive Committee seriously considered the offer.
In general – and that doesn’t mean always – it’s better to use the active
voice instead of the passive. But there are times when the passive is preferable:
when the subject is unimportant or unknown (“the policy was changed”), if
making a request seems too harsh (“attendance at the meeting is required”), if
you want to conceal the subject or avoid taking responsibility (“your application
was rejected”) if one wants to avoid placing blame (“the list wasn’t filled out
correctly”). A separate case is scientific writing, especially lab reports and
research articles – to make a statement sound more objective [7; 9]. But even in
the language of science, there is some leeway. For instance, instead of:
“A large amount of iron was found in the water,”
it is possible to write:
“The water contained a large amount of iron.”
Another important point in editing is avoiding long strings of nouns. Long
“chains” of nouns (with an occasional adjective) – where the first nouns
modify the following ones – are often hard for readers to understand. They
give a bureaucratic tone to documents. Breaking long noun strings into
shorter phrases can make writings much easier to read. For example:
ORIGINAL: You must prepare a group technical report which includes a
one-page executive summary.
REWRITE: You must prepare a technical report for/by the group,
which includes a one-page executive summary.
ORIGINAL: The company assumes total project management
responsibility.
REWRITE: The company assumes total responsibility for project
management.
One Washington official back in the 1970s came up with the phrase
“bafflegab,” to describe the fine-sounding often meaningless phrases you
Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи
33
sometimes find in business- and government documents. It works whenever
you want to impress someone and you don’t quite know what you’re talking
about: choosing any word from each of the three columns, and putting them
together could easily sneak the phrase into a sentence:
1 2 3
integrated management options
heuristic organizational flexibility
systematized monitored capability
parallel reciprocal mobility
functional digital programming
responsive logistical scenarios
optional transitional contingency
Another good point here is avoiding negative statements. Positive
sentences are easier to UNDERSTAND than negative ones. They’re also easier
to REMEMBER. Two or more negative words in a sentence make it hard for
the reader to understand. When sentences have two or more negatives, the
reader will often stop and ask himself: “What did that say?” and then have to
reread (not exactly easier for the reader). Positive sentences can also be judged
TRUE or FALSE faster and more accurately than negative sentences. There are
different kinds of negative words. The most obvious are words such as: no,
not, none, never, nothing. Another common type is those with negative
affixes, such as: nonexistent, ineffective; pointless etc. Less obvious words
include those with a negative meaning, that don’t necessarily look negative;
e.g.: absent, empty, fail, reduce, deny, doubt, limit, forbid, terminate, or wrong.
Used alone in a sentence, any of these negatives is usually fine: “That is not
my argument.” “The engine failed.” In some cases, a negative may be
preferable. For example, a warning can be stronger in the negative: “Never
send the report off without your supervisor’s signature,” versus “Get your
supervisor’s signature before you send the report off.” The problem starts
when one adds more negatives. It takes a little more time to understand the
sentences in the left-hand column below. It would take even longer if multiple
negatives were in long sentences with complex ideas:
He was not absent He was present.
Wyoming is not unlike Utah. Wyoming is like Utah.
The procedure will not be ineffective. The procedure will be effective.
One of the most common problems in business and government
documents is double negatives of the sort: not...unless; not...except; not...until
etc. What they really mean is:
not...unless = only if
not...except = only if
not...until = only when
Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи
34
Big Question 2: What’s the Best Way to Say It?
What happens when we’ve written a sentence that just won’t come out
right? We push it, pull it, try moving around the parts. We all do this
naturally, but in an unsystematic way. Here are some specific techniques for
reworking a sentence until it does what we want it to do.
At this point, let’s deal with reduction and deletion. Sometimes a
sentence has too many words: it doesn’t flow, it’s hard to understand, or
we’ve used too many words for a small amount of meaning. Reducing the
number of words is a possible way out. Shorter phrases are closer to spoken
language and have a more conversational tone. Speaking often reduces clause
to phrase, phrase to word. Reduction eliminates unnecessary words and
improves the clarity of the message. For example, relative clauses (The man that
you spoke to is Mr. Smith) are much less common in speaking than in writing.
Speech almost never uses the so-called nonrestrictive relative clause – the kind
that adds information about the subject instead of limiting it to a particular case (The
people in the audience, who paid 40 dollars a seat, expect a good show). For that
reason, I’d avoid using it in writing, if possible. The which of writing usually
becomes that in speaking, or is dropped altogether, or reduced. Some examples:
• The project which they mentioned will cost about $80,000
• The project that they mentioned will cost about $80,000
• The project they mentioned will cost about $80,000.
If we want a conversational tone, we should use that for which, or drop the
pronoun altogether – as long as the sentence still sounds natural. Notice the
following:
1a. This will probably add a new dimension to that which is already known.
b. This will probably add a new dimension to what is already known.
2a. The people who were seated at the back could barely hear the speaker.
b. The people seated at the back could barely hear the speaker.
c. The people at the back could barely hear the speaker.
The phrase who were seated could be reduced to seated or eliminated
altogether. Some other examples include replacing redundant phrases like
“end result”, “final outcome” etc.:
end result result
final outcome outcome
small in size small
light in weight light
square in shape square
oftentimes often
time period time OR period
really very really OR very
Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи
35
kind of/sort of/ type of –
Another way of improving the clarity and effectiveness of a sentence is
relocation – moving around words, phrases, or clauses to different locations.
Relocation works well with reduction. For example:
ORIGINAL: Women’s participation rates are higher where the income
is in the $20,000 to $25,000 range.
REWRITE: Women’s participation rates are higher in the $20,000 to
$25,000 income range.
Apart from relocating the phrase, the rewrite also reduces it from 10 words to
7. Here’s another example:
ORIGINAL: It is not possible to measure the changes in the amount of
work done in the home with any degree of accuracy.
REWRITE: It is not possible to measure accurately the changes in the
amount of work done in the home.
What’s especially important is keeping subject and verb close together.
The further the verb gets from the subject, the more confusing the sentence.
Compare the following:
ORIGINAL REWRITE
The “right” decision from a logical
viewpoint, which people feel
uncommitted to (i.e., they “forget” to
implement it, or resist it actively) is
indeed not a particularly good decision
at all.
Though it may be a logical one, a
decision is not the right decision if
people are not committed to it; that is,
if they “forget” to implement it, or
actively resist it.
A summary of plant operation
management services as we are
proposing based on this survey is given
in Section Two.
We propose a summary of plant
operation management services
based on this survey in Section
Two.
The key benefits to be received from
the program in addition to the cost
savings are quality control and more
efficient accounting procedures.
The key benefits to be received from
the program include not only quality
control and more efficient accounting
procedures, but also cost savings.
The cost savings, and even more
important – an increase of manpower
available for responding to other
customers’ requests is favorable with
The new arrangement favors the cost
savings, and even more important – an
increase of manpower available for
responding to other customers’
Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи
36
the new arrangement. requests.
Students of the behavior of animals in
relation to their environment have long
been interested in the biological clock
question.
The biological clock question has long
interested students investigating the
behavior of animals in relation to their
environment.
Another way of improving the clarity and effectiveness of a sentence is
– moving around words, phrases, or clauses to different locations. Relocation
works well with reduction. And also with paraphrase. Both examples below
deal with a study of women’s labor force participation:
ORIGINAL: Women’s participation rates are higher where the income
is in the $20,000 to $25,000 range.
REWRITE: Women’s participation rates are higher in the $20,000 to
$25,000 income range.
Apart from relocating the phrase, the rewrite also reduces it from 10 words to
7. Here’s another example:
ORIGINAL: It is not possible to measure the changes in the amount of
work done in the home with any degree of accuracy.
REWRITE: It is not possible to measure accurately the changes in the
amount of work done in the home.
Consider some more relevant examples:
Changes in the nature of work may well continue to be remain an important
influence on the female labor force.
The focus of this paper is on This paper focuses on changes affecting mothers
of pre-school children.
It appears that it is The presence of very young children that is seems to be the
most important factor.
The analysis, which is confined to participation rates of married women,
involves a comparison between compares women with children under or over
six years old.
There have been Several long-run changes in the US, that have helped to
reduce the constraints on mothers’ employment.
Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи
37
A further change reducing the time conflict between housework and outside
employment is the increasing number of that more and more economic functions
have been transferred from the home to the factory.
In an analysis, they An analysis found that several factors had an influence
on the differences.
At the same time, changes in participation rates may reflect trends which are
due to factors other than employment.
Some information which has with an indirect bearing on this issue is
available in the current study.
The results of these surveys do not suggest that there has been a marked
change in attitudes towards married women working.
One more noteworthy point in revising is equivalency chains. A good
unified paragraph has one main idea, sometimes two, never more than three.
Think of this main idea as a chain – a common topic that runs through the
paragraph. It is signaled by links – words or phrases that in some way refer back
to the topic. Here are several kinds of links we use to form equivalency chains:
The President addressed the nation last night. In a
Synonym prepared speech, Mr. Obama spoke about his economic
Pronoun policies. In particular, he discussed the balance-of-
payments problem, describing measures such as the
Determiner recently enacted import taxes. He stated that these
alone were no enough, and that some may even have
to be repealed if they reduced foreign trade too greatly.
Here’s another example, in context: a booklet on leadership, written for
first-year officer trainees at the US Naval Academy. “Guy,” of course, is a bit
informal (in US slang, it can refer to a man or a woman):
Look at it this way: If you always degrade a person, their morale and
self-esteem will plummet. Then you will have many more problems on
your hands, including a guy who may refuse to do anything at all, or
someone who always makes a mistake because he’s so afraid of making
mistakes. Now if you take that same person and praise him for his
good work and help him with his poor work, you’ll have a much more
successful individual. You will also have an individual who respects
you and who sees you as a good leader.
Collocation is a fancy term for words that go together – not for
grammatical reasons, but more out of custom; which, as you know, is a powerful
Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи
38
reason for doing lots of things, including the way we write. An example? Take
the word campaign – in the military or political sense. What do you do with a
campaign? You can start or begin a campaign. Ho hum. You can also mount a
campaign. What words, for example, can you use for mentioning a hypothesis?
You can form or state a hypotheses. But it’s more professional to frame or
formulate one.
Here are some examples:
We captured 70% of the domestic market last year (hi-impact).
We confirmed this opinion by a careful reading of our competitors’
annual reports.
Big Question 3: How Clear is My Presentation?
Proper structuring and formatting the material is the key. First, a page
should have at least three paragraphs. Second, effective headings are vital. They
provide a visible structure for the reader. They show the reader how the material
is organized, and what is key material to focus on. Also, they help the reader
locate information more quickly. This is especially important in documents used
for reference purposes (such as manuals and procedures). Headings help the
reader remember (headings are emphasizers). Experiments show that a group
reading paragraphs with headings – recalled twice as much as a group reading
the same material without headings. Headings activate the reader’s schema: the
information about the topic, that the reader has stored away in his or her mental
filing cabinet. Finally, they serve as both an introduction and summary for the
material. Thus headings should be all-encompassing, clear, self-contained,
interesting, informational (one- or two-word headings seldom provide enough
useful information for the reader, and can be ambiguous). They should employ
action verbs whenever possible. The heading can present the question that the
section answers, matching the probable readers’ questions. Consider the
following pairs of heads. Notice how much more interesting the second version
is:
OLD: Use of Fiberglass
NEW: What if You Use a Fiberglass Body?
OLD: Conversion of the Engine to Gasohol
NEW: Can I Convert the Engine to Gasohol?
Several specific editing techniques considered in this paper are aimed at
developing the authors’ ability in written language, to a point where he or she
will be able to communicate more successfully in English, with people in all
parts of the world where English is used professionally: in business, in science,
and in other areas where people work together for a common purpose. Writing
can be a tool, a weapon, an instrument: a tool for digging deeply into almost
Лінгвістика ХХІ століття: нові дослідження і перспективи
39
anything, a weapon for conquering whatever it is you want to conquer, an
instrument for playing some of the sweetest music in the world.
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